Chain Breaker

Addiction. I hate it. Drugs. I hate them.

My younger sister has been bound by these two things for way too many years.  I'm not sure why I feel so compelled to write about this. Maybe it is because I have held it in for way too long. Maybe it is because I have seen it tear my family apart for 16 or more years. Maybe it is because I have seen the enemy steal my sister away from me. From her mom and dad. From her other sister and brother. From her nieces and nephews. From her grandparents. And now, from her own son. Maybe that all sounds selfish, but I can't help but get angry when I think about how Satan uses these evil things to attack and destroy. I could never write about all the ways the drugs and addiction have affected my family.

I'm not good with words. I'm not a writer,  but I need to share this. Maybe someone out there is going through this right at this very moment. You see, I had almost given up hope on my little sister. Almost.

If you know my sister, you probably have not seen the best of her in many years. Maybe you don't even remember the "real" her.  So often, I think of that little girl in pigtails who I grew up with, who I colored with, played nintendo with, played play dough with on the back porch.

As an adult, I have been fortunate to see her for a few short months at a time as my sister. That one with a good heart. The one with a beautiful smile. The one who is funny, loving, and her personality so beautifully captivating. I have seen it. I have experienced and seen God's goodness in her. She HAS had it.  I saw her during the 8 months a few years ago when she was gone away to a Christian based rehab and recovery center. The most recent time I got to see her as my real sister was this past summer. We became the best of friends again. But only for a month.  Over night. She was gone. Again. This is when I almost gave up on her. Almost. Her addiction was too strong and her will was not there.

Fast forward to January 21, 2016. This is when my hope began to be renewed. My sister and I hadn't spoken in months. Things had taken a turn for the worse. Saturday morning, I put the headphones in and went outside to take a short run. I turned my music playlist on and turned on the song "Chain Breaker" by Zach Williams.  I ran. I prayed. I called out and prayed for my sister. While I was listening to that song, praying, my sister messaged me out of nowhere to reconcile with me. I knew right then and there that God was speaking to ME.

Sunday morning was my turning point. Blake and I took the kids to sunday school and the youth at church did a skit and hand mime. WHAT A BLESSING. One of the skits was based on the song, "Chain Breaker." The very song that I was listening to Saturday morning. The other skit was all about how people can get so bound by sin, depression, drugs, etc. BUT Jesus can turn it all around. I am still in awe of how God worked that out.

So, during the prayer requests, I felt so compelled that morning to call my sister's name out and tell the church what she was struggling with and why. I needed to.  This is when God really began speaking to me. A visiting preacher was at church that day. He didn't know who I was. I didn't know who he was. He got up and his message was on addiction!  He said he knew then why God had given that very message to him before he came. He said when he heard several prayer requests throughout the church of loved ones being sick and my sister being bound by addiction, it became clear. He knew why. He went on to testify of his family members who were also addicted to prescription medicine. I could not hold back the tears. God had sent this preacher to me that day. I know this and believe this with ALL my heart. When he said YOU may be her only hope through Jesus, I knew I had to go see her. I did. I could NOT give up on her. Not now.

The entire church gathered at the end of the service to pray specifically for those requests made known of family members with addiction.

To make a long story short, I went to my sister that day.  After many tears, hugs, apologies, guilt talk, lashing out at herself, she confided. She wanted help. She needed help. She told me she couldn't do it on her own. God did not stop there. My sister got the insurance she needed the very next day and was in a detox center that night. Praise. The. Lord.

I saw her coming off of the "prescription" drugs this time. I say it that way because yes, that is where it started. It makes me upset to think that these pills are being prescribed so freehandedly. I know it was her will to take them in the beginning, but after that.

Sad. Awful. If you haven't experienced it or seen it, it would be easy to just think addicts are worthless and just selfish. But, I am choosing to look at the other side. I have imagined being in her shoes. I don't know what it would be like for my body to crave something so bad. I don't know what it is like to have to keep taking something to keep numb just to cover up the pain. I don't ever want to know what that feels like.

My sister is somewhere getting help right now. This is all by the wonderful GRACE of GOD. There is no other way to explain it. I guess I wanted to write this to try to explain. I probably didn't do a very good job at it. Nowhere close.

But I do want to ask for your prayers for her. She didn't realize it, but there was a group of people praying for her and have been for a very long time. My granny, my mom and dad, my husband, my aunts and uncle, church family, other family members, my mother in low, cousins, my nieces, my friends, me. You know who you are and I for one am so grateful you have been praying. The burden is too much to bear alone. Will you please help me pray that she holds the desire to continue to get help? Will you pray that she will allow God to break these chains that have had her so bound? Will you pray she stays away from here for a very long time? Will you help me pray that she gets better? Forever this time.

I have seen my mom and dad broken, oh so broken. Last night was different. I saw peace come over them. Pray for them too. They've been through it.

I'm not asking for pity. I mainly want to give praise to the Lord publicly for what HE is doing and what HE is going to do. I have seen miracles happen. I saw one happen yesterday. She is getting help. I consider that a miracle in itself.  I have that hope again. I am choosing to believe. I will choose to believe that one day when she gives her testimony, I will be the first in line to hear it.

I love all of you.

Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

My hope is anchored in Christ. 

This was taken this summer during the month we became the best of friends again. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8PQfQQo2Jc

Three years already.

October 5th. 20 more days and my little Sawyer will be 3. What in the world? I feel like I have just blinked my eyes and here he is, mommy's big boy.  When he was born, I knew my world had changed for the better, but I never could have dreamed of how much joy would be added to my life. There are so many things I am loving. I love when he wakes up and reaches over to touch my face and says "Love you , Mommy." I love when he looks at me and says " You nice, Mommy." I love when he asks for his choc milk (with a very country slang.) I love that he loves to cuddle. I love that he takes care of his little sister. I love that he asks me to read books to him. I love everything about my sweet little boy. He makes my heart smile. Big. Very big.

Fast Forward: One Year Later

It's been a year since I've attempted to update. With my last update, Sawyer was 15 months old and I was 4 months preggers with Ava Blue. Sawer is now 2 years and 3 months. Ava is almost 8 months. Whoa. Where does time go? Really, this past 7 months feels like a blur to me. Ava already has 2 teeth, I mean, wasn't it just yesterday, I was nervous about bringing her home from the hospital? I didn't know how Sawyer would react and I was scared to death of being a mommy of two. I never knew how I could juggle being a teacher, wife, and mommy of 2 in diapers. I was overwhelmed at just the thought of it. Fast forward a year later, and I am doing just fine. Being a mommy of two is more than I could ever have imagined. Seeing the love between Sawyer and Ava is a blessing times a thousand. The way she looks up at him in laughter when he does something silly, the way he reaches over to kiss her just out of the blue, and the way they just sit and play together, it all melts my heart. I foresee so many good times in the future.

I started to let blogging go, but I read up on all of the updates I did for Sawyer during his first year. I am so glad I have that to look back on. I wish I would've started sooner with Ava and continued with Sawyer's first year. I love that I can read a post on Sawyer's 8 month update and compare the differences and similarities between them. At 8 months, Sawyer had zero teeth. Ava has 2. Sawyer was crawling everywhere. Ava hasn't made the first crawl yet. Sawyer didn't like Momma to leave the room  and neither does Ava.

Some days, well actually, a lot of days, I am just in survival mode. Between playing and taking care of my two loves, trying to be a decent wife, teaching whole heartedly every single day, I don't know how, but I just do it. Ava hasn't been the best sleeper since birth, but it could be so much worse. They are both in the bed with me. I'm sandwiched between them and I will just do anything to not wake Ava. Even if that means sleeping uncomfortably all. night. long. Blake's mom keeps the kids at my house, and it is a blessing! I'm so thankful for her and what she does. Most days, I come home to a clean house and we pretty much stay stocked with groceries. She spoils us. But I have learned to appreciate it and just accept the help.

Sawyer at 2 years and 3 months:
Oh, what a talker. It was seriously one day, he just started talking. Blake and I would look at each other in shock and be all like "Did you hear what he just said?" He is saying anything he hears anyone else say and more. I adore this stage because I can actually have a conversation with him. He loves to say "Uv you Mommy, Uv you Daddy. He likes to sing and preach. He amens a lot and tells us like it is. He's a big "no noer" right now. Everything is no. Even his name. He has the best memory and I am so proud of him. He loves spiderman, batman, and superman. He thinks he is superman every day. He loves to play kickball. Loves to draw and read/look at books. He is the best napper ever. He still takes a 2 1/2 hour nap a day. I wish Ava could get on that schedule some days. But oh, that paci. That's going to be the death of me. He loves it. I haven't buckled down on it just yet. Remember that survival mode I talked about? That's kind of part of it. He takes it a lot less, but still wants it at nap time and bedtime. Potty training is another negative. He's done it in the potty here and there, but just does not seem interested. I have told myself and taken advice from others that I'm not going to sweat it. When he's ready, it will happen. So we are waiting.....

Oh, that binky. 

Ava at 7 1/2 months:

Ava at 7 months.

My little miss has 2 teeth. Her sleeps are hit and miss. Some nights are better than others. They are both napping at the same time now, thus why I am getting to sit down and blog. This hardly ever happens. Ava is such a light sleeper and wakes at the drop of anything, so when Sawyer is awake, well..enough said. :) She is mommy's little angel and I couldn't imagine life without her. Her smile melts my heart and her excitement she shows when I walk in that door after work is priceless. She is trying to crawl, but goes backwards. She's my cute little chunk. I love her. She is going to be one tough little girl.

I guess that is all.
Guess who just woke up from her cat nap?

15 Months

Wow, this momma is a slacker when it comes to blogging about all kinds of "firsts" for Sawyer. I last updated when he was 8 months old. Seven months later, I have a 15 month old on hand, who is so full of life! He began walking at around 10 1/2 months old and hasn't slowed down since. He says words like ball, Da Da, Ma Ma, bird, deer, and three! He was broken from his bottle right around 1 year old, and it was super easy. The pacifier, on the other hand, will not be that easy. He LOVES his paci, especially when he's tired. He has 6 teeth and has turned out to be a really good sleeper (as long as he's in Mommy's bed.) I was worried about him sleeping with me at first, but I have come to love it. I know that eventually, things will have to change, but for now it is working for us. They are only little once, right? ;)  He goes to bed between 8:30 and 9:30 and will sleep until 7 or 8 when Mommy doesn't have to work. Sawyer takes about 2 two-hour naps a day, and I have learned to take naps too when I am home with him. My once organized home is now not so organized, as his toys have overtaken the living room every area of the house. I finally surrendered and had to let go of having a clean and somewhat organized home. It may look like a mess, but memories are in the making.

Some of Sawyer's favorite things:
*throwing balls anything he gets his hands on, particularly aiming for Mommy and Daddy's head (We are trying to teach him "no," but he thinks we are just playing. sigh. a little tap on the booty or hand is not phasing him right now.
*pulling Belle's tail, of who, by the way, is now terrified of him
*chasing Belle and Babee around the house
*giving kisses
*dancing his little 2 step
*playing with cars...he loves his Hot Wheels
*favorite tv shows: Barney, Wiggles, Yo Gabba Gabba, Sesame Street, Sid the Science Kid....pretty much anything that has lots of music and dancing

Sawyer is very much a mommy's boy. I love him more every single day. I'm actually still struggling with balancing work life and mommy life. Even though I love the 18 kiddos I teach, my heart longs to be "at home" with my baby boy.

I could write much more, but my little man is waking from his afternoon nap. I vow not wait as long to update the next time around....after all, pretty soon, I'll be updating about 2 little ones in diapers. YIKES!

At 15 Months Old

Playing with his cousin, Caden. 

8 Month Old Boy!

I know I say this with every post, but I don't believe my baby boy is already 8 months old. Life has been at full speed since my last post. With an unexpected, fast change in jobs, in effort to be closer at home and spend more time with my little man, our lives have been in somewhat of a whirlwind. Things are finally beginning to settle back down and it's SUMMER!! This has been my favorite summer by far. What can I say? I have the most precious little boy to enjoy it with who is always smiling, laughing, and loving on his momma. :)

I'm pretty sure this is what handsome looks like!

So, my baby boy is growing up. He adores being outside.  Baby toys are boring to him after a while, and he is always On. The. Go. He would much rather play with the remote control or my cell phone.  His sleeping habits are hit and miss. Some nights, he will sleep through the night, but other nights, he wakes up around 2 or 3. Still zero teeth, but the teething process is driving him crazy. He wears a size 3 diaper and a wears a size 9-12months in clothes. He is weighing in at a whopping 22 pounds! Momma gets her workout at home for the time being, especially now, since he thinks staying in one place in the room for longer than 5 minutes is so overrated. He loves his puppies, Babee and Belle. I'm pretty sure he will give them a good run for their money one day. He thinks their tails are fascinating and doesn't understand why Babee won't let him touch hers! She's so sensitive. Belle would let Sawyer grab her tail all day long. Doesn't bother her a bit. He still enjoys bath time so much. He has graduated from his "baby" tub and now in the big boy tub. Loves every second of it. He took his first "crawl" around 7 months, but really started moving around 7 1/2 months. Now, I am just chasing him all day long. He's going through a stage where he doesn't like his mommy to go very far out of his sight. I walk out of the living  room to the kitchen, he cries for me. He wants to be picked up, but then he wants back down. He still likes being rocked to sleep. I am pretty sure I've started a bad habit, but I keep telling myself, they are only babies once. Daddy is pretty happy that he's saying "Da Da." I'm not exactly sure that he knows what it means, but he loves to say it over and over. Blake says, "Of course, he knows what it means!" Ha! He also babbles all of the time and I love it. I don't know what he's saying, but in his world, he is making great conversation. If you were a fly on the wall in my house during the day, I think you would be amused at some of our conversations. ;)   


Sawyer had his first playdate last week with his two friends, Ellie and Abigail. It was the cutest thing ever. They had a blast. Abigail and Sawyer had a "wrestling match." It was adorable. It's so neat watching how babies interact with each other. He gets to have another playdate this week with his new buddy, Porter, who is only one day younger! They are going to have a pool day. We are pretty excited about that. On Friday, his other buddies, Ellie and Abigail want to have a second date! I just love that he already has so many friends his age! I 
foresee much fun in the future;) 

Sawyer, Ellie, and Abigail on their playdate. Fun times. 

Oh, sweet Sawyer. Daddy said he's going to have to work with you a little bit more. He can't let a girl take you down;)

So, yeah, my baby boy is growing up for sure. Sometimes, I just wish time could freeze, but I know there are many more adventures to come. I feel blessed to be called his momma and I wouldn't have my life any other way right now. Even on those sleepless nights:) In my book, it's all worth it. Seeing that beautiful smile that lights up any room is the best thing in the world. 

Look at that beautiful smile. You are truly my sunshine, sweet boy!

Happy 8 months, baby boy. Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back! 

Where does time go?

It has been way too long since I have updated.  Since I've re-entered the working world, sitting down to blog has not been as easy as it was when I was at home on maternity leave. But this mommy has been on spring break this week, thus here's my first blog post since the beginning of January!

Since I've gone back to work, my evenings consist of playing and cuddling with Sawyer and pretty much nothing else. I try to get more done at work while I'm at work instead of bringing it home like I used to do. The gym has been a no go ever since I have gone back to work. I just haven't been able to leave him when I get home. Hopefully, now that it's warm, I can at least go for a walk in the neighborhood with my Sawyer bear. My buddy and I walk the track at recess. I figure it is better than nothing at all. :)

Sweetness.

At around 4 months, things started feeling pretty "normal" again. Now, we are on some sort of schedule. Sawyer has really been an awesome sleeper since birth. But he really began sleeping through the night at around 4 months. That would explain why things began feeling normal. Ha! He has been sleeping in his big boy crib since he was about 2 months old. He has done well and seems to love it. Mommy and Daddy's bedroom is downstairs, so we haven't been sleeping downstairs. Instead, we sleep in a very tiny twin bed in Sawyer's room. Some nights, you may find one of us in the twin bed and the other in the comfy bed downstairs. We kind of like it up there. We like to say we have our own little nook:) I say every day that I am going to sleep downstairs and just rely on the monitor, but that's never fallen through. Maybe tonight should be the night. His room is exactly right above our room and you can literally hear every sound he makes, but still.

Our "nook"

Sawyer, you are 5 months old today! I cannot believe it. You are now turning over and over and over and over.... You don't stay on your back very long at all. You make Mommy giggle when you turn over to that little belly of yours and then fuss because you don't want to be on your tummy. I will turn you back over and you do the same thing again;) You are taking cereal like a pro now. It took you about 2 weeks to get the hang of it. Mommy was getting a bit worried. Mamaw Karen helped on this one. Thanks, Mamaw Karen! You absolutely adore the Giggle Bellies. Whoever created this is a genius. We gave you your first vegetables this week! Yay! So far, you have eaten peas and carrots. We couldn't believe how well you ate the peas! They kind of smell bad to me, but you don't seem to care. We can't seem to get them in your mouth fast enough! You are so unbelievably adorable when you eat. We just love you.You are wanting to put everything in your mouth now, especially Mommy and Daddy's fingers and your toes. You figured out how to get them in your mouth today. Daddy said, "At least you are flexible." You love to snuggle in the mornings and at night. I think Mommy has spoiled you just a little while she has been on Spring Break. I've rocked you A LOT. You go through quite a few outfits in one day now and you spit up on Mommy often. It's ok. Mommy doesn't mind it at all. You LOVE when people talk to you. Daddy is convinced you told him you loved him. You melt our hearts more and more every day with your smiles, laughs, and coos.Your favorite songs are Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Mister Sun. They always make you smile the biggest smile.

5 months today!

This is what you look like when Daddy feeds you.

Our boy at 4 Months

We have a big healthy boy on our hands. At his 4 month checkup, Sawyer weighed 15 pounds and 8 ounces! Dr. Abby was also concerned about him wanting to lean his head to the left instead of holding it straight. She said his muscles were tight in one side of his neck and showed us some exercises to do with him. They will check it out again at his 6 month appointment.
So, Mommy has had a few tears today. Blake has been home with Sawyer since November, but his work called him last Thursday and told him to be back to work on Friday. First of all, we are so thankful to God for this. It needed to happen. God sure knows what He's doing. On the other hand, with such a short notice, I haven't had much time to prepare myself for this. Since I've gone back to work, I've been a bit spoiled, if you will, because Daddy has been home with little dude. He takes such awesome care of him.  I have already told my team at work to excuse my frazzled brain this week. Tomorrow, Blake's mom will keep him here at our house.We know he will be in good hands. It's just getting used to a new routine. Blake missed him like crazy on Friday. I know how hard it must have been for him. He has been home longer with Sawyer than I was before I had to go back to work. But we both are looking forward to loving on his sweet face when we get home tomorrow evening!

Hopefully, I won't wait so long to update again. Thanks for reading:) 

Motherhood and Teaching

I made it. I made it through the first day. Just as I had imagined I would, I left my house in tears yesterday morning. It wasn't that I was worried about Sawyer, if he was going to be taken care of, or that I don't like teaching anymore. It was none of that. It was just that I was going to miss Sawyer like crazy. I've been home with him 72 days and for that, I am so thankful. When I pulled out of the driveway, the tears streamed a little harder. I just felt this weird void right in the middle of my heart. The whole drive to work seems like a blur. I would dry the tears up for a little while, then they would start again. I was finally dry-eyed when I pulled into the parking lot at work, but the minute I started walking into the building, I felt the tears coming again. I just felt this overwhelming sense of anxiety and nervousness, while still missing my Sawyer bear to no end. I will not bore you with anymore tales of how many times I cried yesterday. Let's just say that up until about lunchtime, this girl struggled.

But of course, I had some amazing people around me ALL day. The huge amount of love, hugs, support, laughs, picture messages from Mr. Mom (as he was instructed to send...every 30 minutes)...these are all things that helped me make it through my 1st day back.

Here are some pictures that Blake sent me that helped me get through the day....

Look at that smiling face. 

The caption on this one was..."So fresh and so clean clean."

Y'all, I have the BEST office mate friend ever. She had my next week's plans completed, ready to go, all copied, and all sorted into their daily bins. It was like I had never left. I'm telling y'all, Susan Merryman is one hard worker and I consider myself highly favored/blessed to have the opportunity to work beside her. On top of that, my room was just as I had left it, actually it looked better. My interim, Ms. Meyers, did an AMAZING job and I know the kiddos are going to miss her tons. Lunch with my team at the Creamery was great therapy. My principal started our morning off with an inspirational message on how not to get so boggled down with worrying about things that we can't change and to have FUN while we teach. That was motivation in itself. So, yes, all these things and more yesterday helped me to remember that this is what I do. I teach. It's always been my passion and that hasn't changed. I think what I am scared of the most is just finding that balance between still being the best teacher I can be while at the same time, being the best mommy I can be. I know I'm not going to be working all those extra hours as I did before, because now, I have other priorities, too. I have a little boy at home who needs his mommy:) Can I still be that teacher who 20-some kids need too? Yes, because God has called me to be a teacher AND a mother. HE will be the one who gives me the daily strength I need. I just have to remember to ask.

So, Mr. Mom. How did he do yesterday? Phenomenal. First of all, he sent me pics throughout the day of Sawyer's smiling face. I knew he was happy. That was comfort. Daddy gave him a good bath, changed 2 poopy diapers, and made it through an hour of fussiness with the little man. Success! I walked in and Blake was rocking Sawyer asleep. Precious. I know I've said this before, but Blake's a pretty awesome Daddy. I think he will make a good Mr. Mom for a while. He even had the laundry done. That was a bonus. While I was at lunch yesterday with my girls, I got a text that said, "Hey, where is that baby carrying thing?" Thanks for the good laugh, honey. To come to find out, he was needing the baby carrier during that hour of "fussiness." He was trying to fix a grilled cheese, but Sawyer had other plans. I think Blake AND Sawyer were exhausted. I hadn't been home 15 minutes and both of them were passed out. I captured this picture of Blake.....priceless.

Usually, if Sawyer is going to sleep, I try everything to not wake him up. Yesterday when I got home and Blake was rocking him to sleep, I tried everything TO wake him up. He did just long enough to give me that smile that melts my heart and then he was out..asleep...dreaming of puppies and kittens:)

So, that's the story of my first day back to work in a nutshell. Once again, I feel beyond blessed to be at this stage in my life. God is good and He is good all the time. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue this journey. I know next week is still going to be tough, but I have a new and positive outlook. I CAN do this:) Thank you all so much for your support, comments, hugs, and prayers.